Here is another identity that has come quite a long way in the last few months: Dominus and I have had issues with our relationship because of my newfound Domina identity, and especially with my lack of outlet for it. It’s difficult to embrace an identity when you have no one to explore it with, which really just creates frustration and ends up leaking out in our relationship. While I’ve gone online a few times, because I do believe that is a wonderful way to explore new fantasies and new desires, I’m too picky to just Dominate someone I don’t know very well, so it’s difficult.

I have been internalizing most of my questions and trying to figure out where he and I fit together with all of my new revelations about myself. I know that I am still submissive, that I still desire to submit, but my new Domina identity is more enticing at the moment because it is new and unknown. It’s not a conscious decision, but rather something I can’t always control yet since I do not know how to navigate between cuntpet and Domina yet, but I’m working on it.

Onyx and I have been talking quite a bit about our roles, our relationship, and how my new identities have been affecting both of those. I’ve been distant, for one, trying to figure out my internal identity struggle, trying to answer questions, some of which were answered in my Identity Musings posts, some of which I still have to answer.

A few things became apparent: he felt pressured into Dominating me and with all the stress going on at work as well as being unsure of my reaction to him, if I would be obviously receptive to his dominance or if I would not be, he wasn’t feeling motivated to Dominate me and not desiring to either. It was an additional worry, an additional burden, and neither of us are happy about that.

He said there are times that he just doesn’t want to have any responsibility, when he doesn’t want to have to think or decide anything, so I suggested we try switching. After a long somewhat exhausting talk we came to that decision, and as of this morning we have “switched.”

It’s been subtle so far, mostly just asking him to do things for me more than I normally would as well as me having the ultimate decision making. We’ll do more as the weekend goes on, I’ll take more power and expect more compliance, but so far he’s been doing remarkably well, and is asking me if I need anything at various times.

As submissives know, what he requested was not exactly all that a submissive does. We have responsibility and do have to think at all times, and I’m not trying to say that is not the case. However, there is a much different responsibility and different things to think about when being submissive than when being Dominant or even not participating in D/s at all, and it is those two types of responsibility he is trying to get away from.

We’ll talk at length about this, of course, and I’ll post about all of the activities and thoughts of the weekend on Monday.

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I sat astride his chest, “It’s just a thrill,” he said,
as he relaxed on the dark, dark bed,
“it’s just breath control.”
He whispered “Hold me here” and I did and his head fell back.
He whispered “Press harder” and I did and his eyes rolled back. It’s just breath control.

This post comes to you by request of the sweet, lovely, and brilliant Elizabeth (I may have a bit of a crush, shhhh… and let’s not mention her partner Gabe as well… they are both amazing and fabulous), she asked me about the allure of breath play, what I see in it, and why it’s appealing. This is something I’ve been thinking quite a bit about lately, as both the play parties we went to ended up with me desiring breath play at one point or another. It really is something that I highly enjoy, and I don’t ask for it as often as I feel the desire for it.

One instance in particular comes to mind for me to talk about. This was back when I still lived in Ashland, Oregon and Master was coming over for a weekend at a time to visit. I think it was around his birthday in December 2005, our relationship was still pretty new, especially on the physical level, and we had played with breath play a little bit already, but this was the first time I remember experiencing a big “wow” factor, it was what turned breath play from a casual desire to a permanent kink.

We were cuddling on the couch, watching Buffy or Angel (I don’t remember which) as we usually did. Pretty much all we did when he visited was fuck, eat, and if we could pull ourselves out of bed, watch Buffy or Angel (as I own all twelve seasons and make everyone that gets close to me watch through them with me). I forget what provoked it, I may have asked for it or we may have been talking about it, I’m not sure, but I do remember that he had me breathe in deeply before covering my nose and mouth with his hand (my favorite way of experiencing breath play).

I took a breath and we looked into each others eyes as he began controlling me. He held me past he had before, making me light headed and a little dizzy, but in an exquisite way. I felt completely under his power, extremely helpless, and a little out of it in a weird way. I was completely conscious, but felt almost drunk or just loose, basically I was a lot less self-conscious and my overanalytical brain was shut off a bit, I was in the moment rather than overthinking everything as I usually do.

So, basically, there are three main factors which I believe contribute to my enjoyment of and desire for breath play: control, vulnerability, and headspace. The control aspect should be fairly obvious, the Top is controlling the breath of the bottom, controlling something which is usually automatic and subconscious. It brings focus to the mundane and is a way for the Top to illustrate the power ze has over the bottom, because ze controls not only the bottom’s conscious actions but also the unconscious. It can easily be worked into mindfuck scenarios that way as well.

Vulnerability is pretty obvious as well, I think, basically the bottom is putting hir life into the hands of the Top. If the Top was to hold on for a little longer ze could make the bottom pass out or even die (though, of course, none of us would pick Tops who would even consider doing something like that, but the threat is there). The bottom is completely under the power of the Top, and must trust hir completely in order to engage in breath play, and I believe, like all edge play, if done correctly it can strengthen the bond between Top and bottom.

I find that breath play gets me in an immediately vulnerable, helpless, and (basically) a submissive mindset. My brain shuts down a bit (in a good way) and I am taken into a form of sub-space. I am able to dip into that mindset quicker than any other method which we have played around with. In some ways it’s a very spiritual experience as well, as I find all sub-space or pain-space to be, which is really a seperate post I’m working on as well. It brings me more into the serving aspect of my personae, which doesn’t usually happen very easily.

That said, each experience I’ve had with breath play are all slightly different, but they are all slightly the same. The mindset which results is not always identical, and it also depends on what else it’s coupled with and the intensity of it. If we do a short amount while Master is fucking me the affect is completely different than if we are doing nothing but breath play (like the scenario above) or if he is caning me and holding my breath (like the experience at the play party). Every experience slightly varies but the core tenants are the same: control, vulnerability, and headspace/mindset.

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I dissected my submissive desires back in June with my Cuntpet Revisited post, and I’ve been exploring this Domina side of myself for quite some time, so I’ve come to some realizations. Nothing quite as profound or in-depth as the cuntpet analysis, but some interesting discoveries, nonetheless.

I’ve found that this journey of discovery has been difficult because I don’t feel like it’s something I can easily share with Master. I don’t have any desire to dominate him, and even if I did I doubt he would have any desire for me to dominate him. But, because of this, our relationship has suffered a little bit. We’ve talked about it, which has helped, but I know he still feels like it’s something that’s pulling us apart rather than bringing us together, and he’s right, but at this point there’s little I can do to change that.

That said, primarily this journey of mine has been internal, and a small amount has been online, on irc.bondage.com, a server I have frequented for many years. I have enjoyed the last few weeks, and my new Domina personae, although I want more. While I do believe that online is a fantastic place to explore new desires and fantasies, this needs to move beyond it. However, I would have to find a sub nearby to play with, and that could be tricky. I deeply enjoyed meeting new people at the play party last weekend, but entering in any relationship is going to be tricky. For now, my explorations will be primarily internal, and partially online.

Even though I have the desire to dominate someone, which is getting stronger all the time really, I’m extremely picky. This isn’t anything new, of course, it’s something I’ve known for quite some time, but it’s something that I am often amazed at. Even at my most horny, most desirous, most dominant states I am still picky as hell. It’s annoying, sometimes, because there are times when I just want to say “fuck it” and pick up the first sub I interact with and play, but I won’t allow myself to do that. I prefer to be picky, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t.

I am an extremely mental dominant. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to play with these desires (see above, re: picky), but I can’t imagine playing with anyone without knowing all the intricate details about their desires. Without knowing those it would be difficult for me to weave them around my little finger. While purely physical domination has it’s perks and appeals, there is something delicious about being able to implant yourself deeply into someone else’s mind.

Perhaps it steams from my knowledge and love of psychology, or perhaps my love of psychology stems from my mental domination desires. I’m not sure, really, it’s like the chicken or egg question. I do know, however, that my knowledge of psychology will come in handy for all future mental endeavors. I love the idea of delving into the mind of another and planting all sorts of fun ideas for use later. Playing and toying with someone until all they can think about is me… that brings me to my next point.

I’ve talked many times about my own control freak nature, and I believe this is deeply rooted within my mental domination. I highly enjoy control, both having none and having all, and it’s difficult for me to have anything else. I love total power exchange, regardless of the side I’m on. I am a control addict as well as a control freak, though maybe in some ways they are the same thing.

I am also a rather sadistic dominant. This, too, is not a surprise, really. I’ve had sadistic impulses for a long time, although I haven’t always embraced the term. I’ve always loved biting others for the reaction it gets, I’ve loved spanking and hair pulling, and all sorts of other pain-inflicting things. I curbed these desires, or attempted to, while I was trying to be a “good sub” (whatever that means). I found them coming out in little ways, biting Master being the majority of them.

Within the online realm, I can’t stand when people have “Master” “Mistress” “Lord” etc. as part of their usernames/handles. “Miss” is a little mixed for me, but that’s pretty much the only one. Why do some dominants feel the need to add a title to thier nick? I don’t really understand it. I’ve thought of using the nick MissScarlet, but only for humor purposes (makes me think of Clue, of course). Perhaps this is a little point, and I’m sure it ties in with my ideas of honorifics in general, but it’s rather annoying. It just screams that someone isn’t secure in their role, so they have to shout it to the world instead of exuding it from themselves.

I also can’t stand a large amount of submissives. I knew this already, but now I can’t stand them from a different perspective. I hate what I call “yes subs” by which I mean, submissives who can’t give a straight answer, who answer “whatever Lady wants” or “whatever pleases You” when you ask them a direct question. I understand the reason for it, to an extent, but when I ask a sub what they enjoy, I don’t want to hear “whatever You would like to do to me, Miss” or something like that. The reason for it is to help reinforce submission. I believe it can be a useful tool in training, but not when you first meet someone. It’s ridiculous to tell someone that you don’t know very well “I like what you like” because, well, you don’t know what they like!

I also can’t stand being called Ma’am, but, that’s another issue all together.

I want a real human being. I don’t want a doormat, and I don’t want a “yes sub,” and I don’t want someone who won’t state their own opinions and their own desires. I want someone… well, like me, isn’t it?

Technorati Tags: control, identities, mental bdsm

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The other day I was in a kind of grumpy place, I have been a few days this week, actually, and I’m not completely sure why. Though when I get grumpy, I often get needy. Not that regular kind of emotionally needy, or just regularly physically needy, but a deep desire to be dominated like I’ve written about before. I’m not always sure what triggers this. Sometimes it’s a bad day, sometimes it’s just lack of getting it, a lapse in regular play, and sometimes my paranoid and overanalyzing nature gets the better of my mood.

I hadn’t been tied up for quite some time. I was working on my computer, lying naked on my stomach on the bed with my laptop in front of me, and Master came in to straddle me from behind, he ground his cock into me and we exchanged a few teasing words.

Though I was wearing a robe, and he had on his pants, I could feel the semi-hardness of him grinding against my ass. I asked him if he was going to fuck me, and he told me that he was going to tease me for a while first. I asked him if he would tie me up when he did it.

Later he came back into the room, this time I was naked as it had been hot and the fan I had going wasn’t quite enough to cool me down. He started playing with me teasingly, straddled me again and grabbed at my wrists, holding them behind my back so that he could wind the bondage tape around them.

From there I was helpless. I fake-struggled for a bit, testing my bonds, as he slid his fingers into me, testing me, preparing me for him. He fucked me, while slapping my ass, grabbing my hair, using my bound wrists to pull me back onto him, doing all the little things which drive me wild.

The entirety and details of the experience are more of a blur than anything. Being bound and fucked is something which will put me in an almost immediate state of submission, taking me down into my fantasies.

I think it is the automatic feeling of helplessness which does it, an automatic overpowering that I can feel in every bit of me. The feeling can manifest through physical or mental bondage, and simply from hands pinning me down or grasping my wrists.

There is also something about it which makes me feel cherished and loved. I’m not quite sure what it is that gives me that sensation. It was the perfect cure for my grumpy feelings.

Technorati Tags: bondage, control, desires

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Well, we made it back to Salt Lake City safe and sound, and only slightly worse for the wear. One of these days I will post a general trip update in my general blog… once I get around to it.

Master and I have been talking a lot, I mean A LOT about what we want out of this relationship, where we want it to go, the difficulties we have with it. I know a lot of the time I make it sound like all the reasons why we are not farther (or where I want to be) are because of him, and that simply isn’t true, but it does feel like that on occasion, as this is my blog, my emotions, my expression of my point of view, of course it feels like it’s only him who is wrong at times.

However, that simply isn’t true. I was talking with Kat not too long ago, however, while we were still in Norway. We were talking about Master and me and my needs and his desires and our relationship and why it wasn’t working and I got to a point of realization. I have said before that I am a control freak, and this is very true. I have come to realize the extent of this control freakyness, something which seems obvious now that I have thought of it, but something I hadn’t quite put into these words before: I need complete control or no control.

Now, no control doesn’t have to literally be no control, but just that the little control I have is given to me and can be taken away at any moment. So, in my ideal relationship situation I would still have control over quite a lot as far as my personal, professional, academic, emotional, and relationship lives, however, all that control is temporary and not something that I have naturally, but something which I am allowed, something which is given to me and which my Owner could take back at any moment.

This is not something which is has been happening in my relationship with Master, and because I often know that I can get my way if I am stubborn enough, or I know that he will cave if I do a certain thing or another, I haven’t been taking his Dominance seriously. Because of that, he has been having an even harder time relating to me on a D/s way than we normally would. There is the problem of him having trouble receiving it when I do attempt to submit to him, and part of that is because of his own issues, but part of it is because I haven’t shown him my submission well enough.

I need complete and total power exchange, or I don’t respond as well. I need to have no choices, no way to say no, no control whatsoever, and I need to be shown that he is capable of this.

My other ideal situation would be to have complete and utter control over everything. This is not something that I have really talked about, either, as I am first and foremost submissive. Lately, however, I’ve been opening up to my Dominant side, and I think I may be more of a switch than I have really let myself believe before. This is a side of myself which I would like to explore more of, online, at first, as that is a wonderful way to explore new sides of oneself, I believe.

While I want to explore my Dominant side, I do not want to explore it with Master as my sub. Though, I could see myself Dominating someone in front of him, and that’s something I’ve done before online, actually, but it’s not something I would want to do to him, nor is submission something I think he would want to explore for himself.

After our many conversations, things are drastically changing. It’s all those little, subtle, teeny tiny things which can make or break a D/s relationship. It’s thanking him whenever he uses me or allows me to cum. It’s having to ask for permission to sit after getting something for him or for myself. It’s having him remind me to call him “Master” (which I don’t always do) or me correcting myself and calling him Master after calling him something else. It’s all those little things that have really made a difference.

We’re nowhere near perfect, of course, and there are many things I still desire to do, and which I hope he desires to do to me, but I feel that we are much closer than we were before, and that we are starting to pick up the pace, as it were. We have talked about numerous other things which we want to change, to do, and many of which I have that hate/love feeling for. The feeling I have toward humiliating and degrading things, or submitting in general, it’s a love for the feeling I will get from it, but a hate for actually doing it.

One of those things is being trained as a pet. I think this will be good for me, good for our relationship, but it is something which I both love the idea of and will hate the humiliation of, but love it at the same time. I want to have to crawl everywhere, sit at his feet while we’re watching tv or he’s on the computer, patiently attending to him quietly, only allowed to make animal noises unless I have something specific to ask him. I would be made to ask him if I need to go to the bathroom, if I need to move at all, if he would be alright with letting me do something, if I could cuddle with him on the couch instead of next to him. I would have to eat my food out of a dish on the floor, drink and food alike. He would pet me and play with me and do as he pleased, my body, my will, my self all given to him.

I want to be tied up, teased, and left, bound, for long periods of time, not knowing when he would come back, showing me that he can do as he please with me. I want to be shown that he can Dominate me completely, that he is higher than me and I his servant, his pet, his toy. I have so many needs in me, and I need to get better at letting him know them.

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When studying masochism, people have these ideas that it is all about sacrifice and martyrdom and the desire to be punished. While this is true to an extent, I don’t believe it’s wholly true. Beatings, humiliation, being helpless, they’re all ways to get to a different mindset, to experience sensation. The only reason why we view this sensation as bad is because that’s what society thinks it is. Pain is bad, pain should be avoided. Pain gives us an endorphin high similar to that we get from drugs. Pain is not the desired effect it’s the sensation that comes along with it.

The same with any sort of submission, be it physical or mental, it’s all about getting to that place of sensation, of giving, of doing for another. The thing about BDSM is that it is seen as so one-sided, when really it is all about giving and taking on both sides at different times. As different people practice and experience BDSM in different ways, this is simply my way, my experience, and not to be generalized too broadly, but meant to be taken as mine.

Basically, someone is always giving and taking and someone is always taking and giving. Giving someone the gift of sensation, as Tops do to bottoms in the bedroom, also allows the Top to take pleasure from the situation, whether it is beating, fucking, making them bound and helpless, humiliating, anything, both parties are getting what they want and desire from the situation. And then, outside of the bedroom, the bottom giving their gift of submission is them able to give themselves overabundantly to the Top, while gaining pleasure from doing so. The Top is gaining pleasure from the submission of the bottom while also giving the bottom reciprocal energy and love.

This is the give and flow of energy.

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly, but it all was very clear to me on Saturday night. Basically, regardless of the situation, it is always time for both the Top and bottom to win. They are both getting exactly what is wanted and needed out of the situation. There is no punishment going on, really, (except when punishment is needed but that is only for bad behavior). There is only giving and taking of sensation, pleasure, energy, submission, and love.

At any given time both the Top and the bottom are getting something out of the interaction, both are selfish and selfless at the same time. This could be said for any relationship, really, but I believe it is heightened due to the heightened nature of interaction within BDSM relationships. Many (both outside and within the lifestyle) see the relationship as one-sided, that the Top is simply selfish and desiring great things from the bottom. However, the bottom is rewarded for hir actions through certain means, and the Top is rewarded for hir rewarding through other means.

Without the openness of both parties, a successful interaction will never take place. This is what Master and I have had such a hard time with. When we were first together, first met, I gave myself to him overabundantly. I tried to shower him with my love, my desire for him, and it was too much for him. He has a hard time expecting others to do things for him, he has a hard time receiving love and being open to it. I get this now, though I didn’t then. It has hurt our dynamic quite a bit, but we are slowly getting to the place where we can work again.

I have been more than receptive of taking from him, and he has been more than willing to give. However, it’s the other way around, it’s what most people think of as D/s, that is where we have problems. I shut myself off to him for quite some time because I was hurting, because I had given so much of myself to him and had gotten nothing in return, so by the time I moved here I was fragile and defensive and didn’t want to give anything to him ever again. This wasn’t conscious, it’s just the way it works. In return, since I was not giving and he has trouble taking, we didn’t do much aside from bedroom stuff, which I see as him giving and me taking.

For quite a while I tried to make him dominate me in other arenas. I was pushing him to take so I could give… it was a very backwards way of doing it, and it really didn’t work at all. I’ve gotten back to the place of desiring to give to him overabundantly, but it has taken quite some time to get here.

Part of what really helped me with the short-lived relationship with Kat was that she made me give myself to her, not the other way around. She wouldn’t do anything unless I was the one to initiate it, unless I was the one to submit to her, as opposed to her dominating me. I only started with her after Master and I had repaired some of the breaches in our relationship, as I was determined to do, but submitting to her, shortly and really not largely as I did was enough to remind me what it was like to be with someone who was willing and desiring to receive what I had to give.

Master and I have been better about it, and now that I’m done with school he’s made it pretty clear that he is going to demand more from me, and I’m very okay with that. I mean… I am and I’m not, heh, but mostly I am. We’re moving to a place that is extremely necessary and extremely important, and it’s taken us nearly two years to get here, but it couldn’t have happened any other way.

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As I’ve mentioned previously, Master and I have been looking for a cuntpet name for me for quite some time, but have been unable to find one that has fit. I’ve been wanting a name as an aid to training, an aid to submitting, a little extra control over me.

So, today, Master found my name for me. I was pondering changing my username on livejournal. The two options I first came up with were scarletlotus and feministfucktoy. Both Master and Kat voted for scarletlotus. So, to Master, I mentioned that I agreed, was leaning toward that, and asked what he thought of having scarlet be his name for me.

His response: I was thinking about just that this morning.

How’s that for kismet?

In addition to it fitting me like a custom-made corset, it also has spiritual associations for both Master and myself. In addition, as Kat calls me her lotus or her flower, being able to use scarletlotus is a blending of Master’s and Miss’ names for me. It just fits so well for this section of my life.

~scarlet lotus sexgeek~

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Lots has been going on… where to start?

I’ll start with posting about Master and me. Since the last post specifically about us we have been doing a lot better. We’re in the stage we were at the end of the post still: both of us striving to prove to the other that we can do this, both of us wanting this, both of us working on it.

It’s difficult, though, with him working until 10pm, but luckily that’s only three nights a week. There has been a lot going on, as well, stress wise and emotion wise and everything, and I have a feeling we will get even better in a month, once I have less to do and we can focus more on ourselves and each other.

He has been better at making me do things when I don’t, and I have been better at remembering to do them, so it’s really a win-win situation, as I talked about before. I’ve been trying to have dinner ready when he gets home, though I’ve failed at this a little both the past two nights, but I’m working on it more. I need to look back over the list of expectations, our protocols, and our contract and commit them to better memory. I mean, I’ve mostly memorized them, but I think that I could remember them better.

I also would like to do more with our position commands, but, really, one thing at a time. One of my big things is resistance when I feel he’s pushing and I’m not ready to give whatever it happens to be he is pushing for. I have been getting better at simply giving instead of trying to control what and when I’m giving. I did this a bit the first night that we kind of got back into this, but since then… I mean, I’ve been bratty and cheeky, but not resisting completely, to make the distinction between the two.

I do know that we’ve slipped a little in the last few days, not been quite as strict, but maybe we don’t need to… I think a lot of that, too, has to do with him working until 10pm. It’s getting a lot better. I’m really excited about the new aspect to us, the new development, and despite slight slipping it really hasn’t slipped that much, or not nearly as much as the last time we determined something like this. I really feel something different within me, a realization that has changed the way I’m interacting with both Master and Kat, a clicking of a sort making me realize that I have to do a lot of the work if I really want things to happen, but the work I have to do is work that is both overt and subtle…

My other update is about Kat. I pointed her to the posts I had written and we talked things over and kind of came to the conclusion of needing to try this, needing to see if we could add D/s to our relationship. I’m honestly not sure if it will work, but we’re both willing to give it a try, and we both know that even if it doesn’t work we’ll still retain our friendship.

We’ve done little bits of things, just kind of testing the waters, this is all online, mind you. I watched her playing with the other girl in channel that I mentioned two posts ago, and I was jealous, of course, but I also liked it. I mean, I work on my jealousy, I don’t just shove it away, I like to overthink it, expose what is at the root of it, and in this case it was kind of obvious, I wanted her to toy with me like that. She mentioned that toying with her is like practice for me, since she’s still nervous. I don’t think that’s really a motivating factor in it, but I think that’s an added bonus.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m pushing this on her… I know she says I’m not, and she’s said she wants it to, but… I still can’t help but wonder. But, then, I wondered the same thing with Master, and he’s been loving it, which is what helps me to realize that this is actually what he wants. Online it’s so much easier to lie about what you’re feeling, not that I really think Kat would do that, but… it’s possible, and I’m a paranoid person, heh. I think she’d tell me if she really didn’t want to do this.

The little bit that we did today, though, I really did enjoy it, and I was glad that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I can only hope that she enjoyed it as well. She agreed that it didn’t feel wrong when I said it, and she said “we have to let go of certain stigma. I’m trying.” and I’m not sure I know exactly what that means, but I didn’t ask at the time. She said many other things which I liked, which I was happy to hear, and which should show how she’s feeling about everything, I think, but I still can’t help but wonder. When I’m pushing interactions I tend to overthink the motivation of everyone else involved, I can’t help it.

She said “I want you as you are…my wild strong lotus” and also “but you’re mine. it’s good to be queen.” Which I couldn’t help but chuckle at, but also enjoy. Really, I’ve been “whipped” by her (not literally) for quite some time. I mean, not only has she simply been possessive of me for quite some time, and I’ve been her her “therapist” (as we joked) for quite some time and also her friend and little more (other than both of us desiring more but being afraid to act on it), but I’ve always been wrapped around her little finger, and it’s been pretty obvious.

Things are looking up relationship-wise on all fronts, really. Master and I have talked about Kat and I and he doesn’t seem surprised at this turn, though he mentioned the difficulty of LDR’s, not that I really had to be reminded, I remember ours while we were apart, but it’s something to keep in mind anyway. Though, we already have the emotional connection, it’s just the D/s and the sexual we have to build now, and that may or may not be difficult. The sexual one has been there as an undercurrent for a very long time, it’s just never been acted on. The D/s is in some ways the most difficult part.

I can’t help but wonder how this will turn out, and I’m excited to find out.

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Kat and I were talking the other night, as I mentioned in my last post, and, well… some interesting, crucial, and rather disappointing information was brought to my attention. I haven’t really talked about mine and Kat’s background and friendship, so I figure it’s about time. Kat and I have known each other online for about two years, maybe almost three by now, I’m not entirely sure, though I could probably find out, but the length isn’t exactly what matters.

When we first met, she thought she was submissive. I watched her go through a few relationships until she found glen. At first they were M/f, and it was the first relationship I saw her in that I knew just felt right, all the others, well, they were good, for the most part, but they didn’t seem to click the same easy way as she and glen did. They were wonderful together, they knew it and I knew it. A few months into their relationship, they decided to experiment, as Kat as a submissive wasn’t going as well as they’d hoped. She dominated him, and they ended up loving it, and switching roles. Now, they have been F/m for quite some time, and they are both happier. Kat, especially, is so much less volatile and irritable than when we first met. It’s like they center each other, and they are so good together.

What does this have to do with Kat and me? Well, not a lot directly, though Kat, a friend of hers, Master, and I are going to all go to England in about a month (May 10th). Master and I are going to meet Kat for the first time, and we all are going to England to meet glen for the first time. It is going to be amazing.

Kat and I have been attracted to each other for quite a while, and glen has always been comfortable with us together (they have been exploring poly as well in general, but that is another topic), and Master and I are poly and he knows how much I care for her as well. We have talked extensively about how there’s pretty much no way that we won’t at least kiss, and probably do more than that, when we meet and in England. I’m all about it.

We have never done anything past snuggling and kissing, however, not online that is, as that’s the only medium we have. Neither of us really do much online, but we have toyed with the idea of scening with one another (that is, basically, having cyber sex only in a better term). We have talked, as well, about D/s and our relationship. It hasn’t been that much of a thing until the other night.

One time when I was on molly I was online and told her I loved her and wanted her to dominate me the next day. Later, when she was online and on vicodin for an infection she had, she professed love and we did a small amount of fooling around, a little more than our usual. It seems that we need drugs in order for us to get anywhere sexually, heh. I think this is because we both have the worry that we will ruin our friendship if we go anything beyond what we already are, but we are growing distant from each other at the same time, both of us wanting more, but not able to bring ourselves to do so.

As for the D/s part, often when it comes up she will say something like “do you really think of me that way?” or “would you really want me to dominate you?” My answer is always “yes!” or some variation thereof. I’ve thought of her more and more that way since they switched. Honestly, I wasn’t very attracted to her when she was a sub like me, I’m not much of a switch, and I’m not much of a fan of simply vanilla, so I prefer my partners dominant and kinky.

She said something the other night, though, we were talking about us again, our relationship in general, and we were talking about me a lot as well. This was the night before Master and I started to work things out. I was talking with her about my issues with him and what was going on. I was thinking a lot about what would help me get the domination I crave, and I mentioned that maybe if I was more submissive acting generally I would get domination more, from both her and him. She replied in a usual way: “but would you really want to submit to me?”

I asked her why she thought I wouldn’t, and she went on: “because we’d maybe not be able to act that way toward eachother because we know eachother too well… I mean you, in a lot of ways, are way more “dominant” than me…I come to you for advice and to pull me out of my own brain… in a lot of ways I feel you are like the parent and I’m the child. I feel like I can’t dominate you because you take care of me and are more mature than me” (these are a few different lines kind of strung together). I was shocked.

I mean, on one hand it makes sense, and I think this is my problem in a lot of ways in general: I have this tight control freak way about me. Friends who I come out to as submissive usually say something like “I thought you would be a Domme.” I think this was the problem with me and Master for quite some time, as well. I simply don’t act like a submissive. I really don’t. I am strong willed, feisty, sarcastic, and I don’t back down or give in easily. I really don’t have a submissive personality, but I crave domination. This can make things quite difficult.

I’m rather disappointed, really. I can’t help but wonder if she saw me as submissive, if I started acting submissive toward her, if that would help or change her mind. She also said “I think I’d have to be vanilla with you really.” I’m still thinking and obsessing over this. We haven’t really been able to talk about it since then, either, we haven’t been online at the same time. I don’t know if I would want to be vanilla with her. I really do see her as a Domme now, and I know how amazing she is, and I want her to dominate me. I’ve wanted this for quite a while, really, but I’m just so horrible at asking.

I just wonder if she could ever see me as submissive, since she doesn’t now. The thing to do right now, I think, is to talk to her about it. I don’t know how I feel about us being vanilla, but if we can’t be D/s, then I don’t know. There’s a disconnect here, and we need to fix it, and maybe that is what has been driving us apart lately as well. She’s known that I want her to dominate me, though I don’t know how much she has believed it. I’ve known she’s had a reluctance to it. Perhaps it’s just not meant to happen this way. I’m sure I’ll talk more about this later.

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Well, lets just say that yesterday (Friday) was worse than the day before, which I roundaboutly posted about. I won’t go into details here, but lets just say what little faith I had left in humanity (if at all) now has dissipated completely, and with little hope of coming back (at least for a while).

I didn’t, on Thursday, get what I was so desperately needing: domination. Instead, I got our usual routine. And, of course, since I didn’t get what I wanted (even though my only indication was a post–though he is supposed to read them) I was, of course, pissy. Because that’s what I do when I don’t get my way on things (very submissive of me, right? ;P ). I can’t help it, I want to be the instructional submissive like Deluze says that Severin in Venus in Furs is. I want to be leading the show even though I’m not. I want to be dominated when I want to be dominated, and not later, and definitely not not at all.

Of course, this throws a wrench in some of Master’s plans… but… well… sometimes I just need it. I do, however, need to learn how to better communicate this need. I also need to learn how to be submissive on his time, and not on my time, but… that’s hard as well. What I really want is a more stable and regular domination and submission routine. I mean, we call each other O/cp and 24/7, but we’ve been struggling. I mean, lets face it, life gets in the way of it sometimes, as well as various other things which can get in the way. This happens to all of us at one time or another, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Our problem, though, is that once it slips it’s really really really hard to gain it back.

The solution: I end up getting so fed up with the situation that I get irritable which leads to both of us pulling away, which leads to me getting insecure and upset, and ends up with me bawling and bitching about all the problems of our relationship, and that I’m not getting the domination which I so desperately crave. This sort of works, and it has slightly changed as time has gone on. I’ve been trying to get better at speaking up before I get quite to that point. I’ve been working on trying to express my desires (mostly in writing), but that doesn’t always help either. The big problem is that I end up getting to a point where I don’t want to put the effort in because I have done this many times before.

However, this time we may see more lasting effects. Friday night I was talking with Kat online, after finding out some devastating news. I wanted Master. I needed him to take me and cuddle me for a small bit and then proceed to beat and fuck me until I was in a different head space than I was thinking of the devastation which had just occurred. I’m sure he was feeling badly about it as well, but we weren’t even talking about it. We both shut down, as we are both wont to do. I lay in bed, stewing, chatting with Kat, and with the desire to go into a b.com chat room and just find someone random to dominate me. I realized how horrible that was, as my Master was not 10 feet away from me at the time.

I brought this up, and Kat and I got to talking about it. It’s been quite a while that Master and I have been working on things. At first I thought it was me, maybe this isn’t really what I want, maybe it’s a fantasy, but as I found myself seeking out domination in other areas when I was not receiving it, I realized that no, it’s not me.

One problem, though, is that I want to be dominated. I want to have no choice in the matter, either. I want to be completely overpowered by another’s will, and I want to love every second of it. He, however, doesn’t want to make it a battle all the time to get me to do things, and I don’t really want that either, but that seems to be what always happens. He wants me to submit to him, he wants me to do it automatically without him having to work for it. While a lot of me wants that too, I need to be shown that he actually can dominate me, that he can master me, and since he tends to give in a little too early to my demands, it hasn’t quite sunk in… yet.

“Mastery isn’t just telling someone what to do. It’s also creating the environment in which your submissive will do what you want even without being told. It is creating an environment in which they only have the one choice, and that is of doing what you want.” (from The Control Book by Peter Masters) This is what I want. This is what I need. An environment where I am mastered, where I have to do what I’m told or what is requested or expected of me, not just because I’m doing it, but because I have to, because the need to do so is within me.

I know the possibility of this has been here, it’s been lingering just out of reach for quite some time. We have moments, streaks of it, after one of the aforementioned blow ups, after I’ve exposed the issues of our relationship, and we have talked it over and decided to give it another go, to really try this time, to not let it go. It works wonderfully for a day or two, once up to a week, but then we get lazy again, and we start slacking off.

Well, after the blow up I had last night, within which I essentially said “I need this from you or I need to find it somewhere else” Master decided to put us in high protocol for the rest of the weekend. It has been wonderful. I had some issues Friday, but tonight has been better. I don’t think I’ve gotten pissy once tonight. I’ve been trying to follow protocol and to do as instructed when instructed, and all that good stuff that comes along with high protocol.

He’s mentioned that he really has enjoyed it thus far as well, and we just had a wonderful spanking then fucking session before I started to write this post. I feel happy and contented in a way I haven’t quite felt in a long time. I am nearly always happy and contented with him in general, but sometimes there is that nagging feeling that something isn’t right, that something is missing. But now, that’s not here anymore. I just hope it lasts. That may be a bleak statement, but this has happened before. However, I’m going to try my hardest to keep it going.

One of the most important things in this is that I feel like I need to prove something to him, to show him that we can work this way (and to prove to myself a little too). I need to show him that this is what I want and that he is what I want, so I am doing my damnedest to follow protocol and submit to him. But, not only that, he is enforcing things as well, so he is making it so that I am striving to submit to him (which makes his job easier) and he is correcting me when I make mistakes (which is making my job easier). Really it ends up being a give and take on both sides of things, it just doesn’t seem like it as much from the outside.

All power exchange is a matter of mutual give and take, mutual receptivity and instructing, regardless of the role which either partner may be inhabiting. Without both partners doing their part there is no way to move forward. And we are moving forward now, and I have a feeling this has been a turning point, more than the others, and this one will last.