Because my blog has been entirely to smut-less lately, even though I have all these ideas for smutty stuff but I end up writing all the introspective stuff first, and because it was hot. Last night…

He stepped out of the shower and came into our bedroom, already knowing what was going to happen. I was waiting for him, wearing the harness and nothing else. I told him to lie face down on the bed and put the blindfold on. As he did as instructed I continued getting ready, fixing my pretty black dildo into the harness, making sure it curved down so it would hit his prostate when I rode his ass from behind.

I moved around the bed and restrained each of his hands in turn, using the Under the Bed Restraints that are a convenient permanent feature of our bed now, stretching his arms out on either side of him so that he couldn’t move. Then I told him to get his ass up in the air with his arms already bound.

Kneeling on the bed behind him I groped and massaged his ass, smacking it a few times before reaching for the lube. Slowly I worked my fingers into him, opening him up and getting his ass ready for my cock. I told him he was my ass slut now as he moaned and pressed his ass back on my fingers, first one then all the way up to four of them filling his ass.

Once he was sufficiently stretched and lubed I positioned my cockhead against the opening of his ass as he lay bound and blindfolded before me offering his ass up high. I pressed in slowly so he could feel it before starting to thrust. He moaned with each thrust as I started fucking his ass, alternating between fast and slow, hard and soft, making sure he felt it and making sure he was loving it, occasionally asking how he was feeling just to be sure.

As I rode his ass he started grunting and moaning, making sounds that sounded like he was going to come, so I fucked harder to encourage them and then stopped after a few more moments. I asked him what had happened, and he didn’t know. It was a surge of incredibly intense pleasure, he told me, which just made me want to get him there again. I stroked his cock for a few moments while we talked before starting up again, ramming into his ass until I heard the familiar grunts.

He didn’t shoot, but it seemed like he was having a p-spot orgasm, something he’d never had before, and seemed to love it. I let him come that way a few more times before pulling out, releasing him from the restraints, and instructing him to lie on his back and get his cock rock hard.

After washing my cock off I came back in and knelt next to his head, pressing my cock against his lips and asking him if he knew what I wanted him to do. Without a word he took my cock into his mouth and started sucking it. I watched him eagerly devouring it, pleasure flooding my cunt as he did, almost able to feel the softness of his tongue and insistent suckling against the silicone.

I pulled back and instructed him to sit up, positioning myself against the wall and instructing him to suck me again so I could watch from a different angle. He eagerly took it back into his mouth and began bobbing his head up and down it, gagging himself on it every so often until he had a couple of twin tears rolling down his cheeks. I let my hand rest happily on his head, playing with his hair as he sucked me off.

Moans escaped my lips as I watched him tongue and suck the curved black silicone into his mouth, and after a few long hot minutes of this I pulled him off of me. His cock was very hard, I began stroking it just to watch the pleasure and agony cascade across his face. I asked him what he wanted, and after many strokes and many moments of teasing I lay back so that he could fuck my cunt as I stroked my cock.

It did not take long for him to come, since he was so riled up already, and once I gave permission he shot. I let him rest for a few moments while I took the harness off and got back into bed, grabbing my newest toy, Mia, from the nightstand and declaring that it was my turn. I got on my stomach, positioned Mia and instructed him to fuck me with his fingers, my favorite way to come.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve fucked his ass, last weekend I used a glass plug on him, though not with a harness, then made him fuck me with the plug still in. He liked that quite a bit. When we were in England in May I used my strap-on on him, but that was the last time prior to last night. I have a feeling it will happen much more frequently from now on. This was, however, the first time I had him suck my cock and I imagine that will happen more frequently as well.

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A couple weeks ago Master and I had one of our three anniversaries. Yes, one of the three. Now, I’m not big on anniversaries, I don’t demand gifts or things like that, and this last anniversary passed with little recognition until a few days later when I realized it had passed. I do like anniversaries for the sheer and simple fact that it is a way of marking the time we have spent together, a way of remembering the day we met, or the day we collared, or the day I moved a few hundred miles East to be with him (those are the three anniversaries if you didn’t figure).

I like remembering the day the anniversary celebrates, so I thought to commemorate the anniversary of the day we met face-to-face (which was actually two weeks ago, July 29th) I would tell you a little bit about that day.

First, to tell you about the day we met face-to-face I have to give a little background about how we met and all that other stuff. I have a little bit of it written in my about page but it doesn’t go into great detail. I haven’t really talked about how we met in this blog yet, just where we are now.

Master and I met online on irc.sexnet.org in late 2004, December or so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and was rather sour on relationships in general, he was still married and rather sour on relationships in general as well. I had been told by a friend of mine that he thought I was one of “Pan’s girls” (Master goes by Pan or Pantos online) as in, someone that he scened with on a regular or semi-regular basis. I had never really interacted with Pan although we had similar friends and had seen him around since 2002, so I told him that, and he was surprised because, as he said, Pan and I have really similar desires and sexual tastes.

Needless to say I was intrigued. I made it my intention to get to know Pan better, to talk to him, see if we really were as compatible as J had said. Obviously we were otherwise I wouldn’t still be with him three and a half years later. We began talking, just getting to know each other at first, and then it moved to more. We both declared that we didn’t want a relationship, that we would just be friends and have fun online and chat on the phone and whatnot, but that we weren’t looking for anything serious. I had a crush offline that I was trying to subtly get with, and I talked about her with him, and we got to be good friends.

We talked about him coming to see me in March of 2005, though only idly, and so it didn’t really happen. We were in and out of touch for quite a while, talking most days but not quite every day, that usual online stuff. One night in June we were talking (he was drunk) and he told me that he loved me, that he was in love with me. I was surprised because we had sworn to each other that we would be just friends, but not that surprised because I had suspected he felt for me more than a friend. I knew I felt for him as well, and him telling me that allowed me to feel what I felt for him. I told him I loved him as well, and we started talking about him coming to meet me.

I moved in June, and went home to Alaska for a couple weeks, and then when I came back to Ashland we started seriously planning. He was going to come over on the weekend of the 22nd, arrive Friday night then leave Sunday night, be back home in time for work the next day and all that. He wasn’t able to get on a flight that weekend, he was flying standby at that time as his (ex)wife works for Delta and so he got free flights. And a side note on the wife thing, they were polyamorous, and she knew about me. He was not cheating and I wouldn’t have been with him if he had been. However, I did know that he had been unhappy with her for a few years prior to us being together, so I was a catalyst–though not the reason–for him eventually leaving her.

Back to the story. He wasn’t able to get a flight on the 22nd, which we both bemoaned, and catching a flight the next day would just not be good enough, since we would have even less time together. Since the Medford airport is so small there was only one flight from SLC to Medford a day, so it wasn’t like he could hop on a flight an hour later. We grumbled and were upset but he told me that he would try again the next weekend. And so, on July 29th, 2005 he hopped on a plane from SLC to Medford, then took a taxi to my apartment and knocked on my door.

I remember I had dressed up for him. I put my hair in pigtails, wore a black button-up shirt and my short yellow and green plaid schoolgirl skirt with thigh high fishnets and a garter belt. I was looking hot, and I knew it. I had just moved into the apartment and had very little furniture at the time, though I did have a bed upstairs, and a chair and futon in the living room, but that was it. The living room was large and spacious with just a few scraps of furniture in it. I opened the door, we said hello, he set his luggage down, and then we proceeded to maul each other. He pressed me against the door, we kissed hungrily, he slid his fingers under my skirt…

The first meeting is somewhat of a blur, honestly. I remember kissing him seconds after he came through the door. I remember us not making it two feet before just getting down and fucking right in the living room. He had me kneel and take his cock in my mouth while still against the door, then we moved and he fucked me from behind, my cunt and my ass. It was a whirlwind of excitement for the both of us. Nearly eight months of foreplay had led us up to this point, and there was no way we were leaving any inch of each other untouched.

I remember cuddling up next to him lying there on the floor of my living room, both of us spent and happy after an uncountable number of orgasms. We were cuddling my favorite way, him on his back and me on my side facing him, my head fitting right in that nook that still feels like it’s made for me. We were grinning like fools and so amazingly happy, and all I could think was how perfect we fit together.

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Master and I were lying in bed last night and I remarked that he had forgotten to turn off the light in the “office,” the door of which is next to ours in the corner of the small hallway in an L configuration ( | = our bedroom door _ = the office door). Since our door was open, light was coming in, and we like it to be pretty dark when we sleep.

He grumbled a bit, told me to do it, I teasingly refused, and he got up to turn it off. I told him I would have turned it off, but on his way back to the other side of the bed (his side is the side opposite from the door) he straddled my legs to softly grind his cock against my ass before lying back down. He then mentioned that if he hadn’t gotten up he wouldn’t have been able to tease me.

Two can play at that game, I thought, so I leaned over and down and licked at his cockhead before taking it into my mouth. I didn’t want to just briefly tease for a second, I wanted to get him hard and then move away and stop. I figured that would get him to fuck me, at least my mouth if not somewhere else. I bobbed my head a few times until I could feel him harden and tried to pull my head away.

While I was focused on teasing he had moved his hand behind my head, not so it was touching, but so that if I pulled away as I did his hand would catch me and not let me back up. My hair was in a bun, so he easily grabbed hold of that and dug his fingers into the hair around it, pulling at my hair whenever I tried to get away. It was deliciously painful, and because of it I decided to clench my teeth together so that he could not get his cock back in my mouth.

We struggled like that for quite some time. He pushed my mouth against his cock, he slapped my face with his cock, he grabbed and tugged at my hair and asked if I would be a “good girl” to which I frequently shook my head or replied with a “no.” He growled and pulled my hair more, making me whimper and cry out with the pain, twisting the bun so that it tugged at what felt like every strand.

He began to stroke his cock in front of me, and I could no longer resist the temptation of the now extremely hard shaft. I stuck my tongue out and wiggled it against the cockhead while he stroked, then took it into my mouth when he let me. His hand still gripping my bun as he began to fuck my face, or, more accurately, he began to forcefully stroke his cock with my mouth, tugging my head up and down by my hair.

It didn’t take long until he was groaning, grunting, and shooting his come into my mouth. I swallowed it like the good little cunt I am, and proceeded to lick and suck at it for a few moments longer, to make sure I had gotten every last drop.

We don’t often play with my cunt side, but it has been coming out more lately. It’s always delicious when it does. Master loves forcing me, and I love being forced, so it’s really a win-win. In an odd way it is also a way for my Domina side to (somewhat) come out during play with Master, as I can have somewhat more control over the situation, but end up being overpowered by him… but this is something to get into for another post.

Afterward he told me that I should know that I would not be able to tease him like he can tease me. Of course I knew that, but pretending is much more fun than just giving in to that fact.

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Please note: this post will contain talk of ravishment/rape play and is not meant to be a trigger for anyone who may have suffered from sexual assault. This post or participation in this activity does not condone any sort of non-consensual sexual activity.

As Tart said, “Do I want actual rape? Good lord no!” And I completely agree. I can’t express my feelings of horror when I think that people actually think it is acceptable to have sex with someone completely against their will, and yet I find consensual play incredibly arousing. Playing with vulnerability and putting myself in seemingly vulnerable situations is one of the strongest lures I have to BDSM in general, and is my pull to rape play.

There is something powerful in consensually giving oneself to another, something I’ve talked about numerous times before. Willfully putting oneself in the power of another to create the illusion of helplessness while still having some measure of control is all power play is about. Rape play is another form of power play, obviously, as most rape is about power, not about sex. Being able to pretend to struggle, to be “overpowered” and “forced” into submission is something which appeals to my force fetish and allows an outlet for my strong-willed and stubborn nature while also being in the context of Master’s and my relationship.

As said before: do I want to be raped? Do I want to be taken against my will? Of course not! I would even say: hell no! However, rape play is about the blending of one person’s will to struggle and be overpowered and the other’s will to overpower. It’s about mutual fantasies being fulfilled, and fully consensual and safe, even if it may not always completely feel like it in the moment.

That said, on to the scenario.

Master and I were lying in bed, talking, teasing each other. He moved on top of me and grabbed my wrists as he often does, I struggled a little more than usual, and he became more forceful. As he became more forceful I began to struggle even more, saying “no” and “stop” and trying (not too hard) to get out of his grasp. He told me what he was going to do to me, he slid a finger inside me and told me how wet I was, that I wanted it, and I disagreed.

He began fucking me hard, wonderfully, and he continued teasing me about my desire, which I constantly refused to admit until he slowed down and then took his cock out of me. I whimpered and refused to admit it for a few moments before giving in, furthering the scenario by admitting to be a horny slut, begging to be fucked, begging to be used, begging for his cum.

The few force scenes that we’ve done have ended that way. It’s a long-time fantasy of mine, being discovered as a slut, being called out on it even if I’m pretending to resist. It is something Master loves as well, he’s the one who always turns it to that aspect of it. “Non-consent” erotic stories (or, consensual non-consent scenarios) were what lead me to BDSM in the first place.

These are desires that, when I look into the origin of them, don’t make much logical sense. But, then, what desires really do? The desire to be out of control for me (a control freak) is a big mixture of scary, exciting, and arousing. The same can be said for vulnerability. One of the nice things about rape play is that it allows me to be scared in a way that regular play does not. I can work with feeling scared and vulnerable in a space where I can let those emotions out while still knowing that I am safe and cared for (despite the appearance of otherwise from an unknowing outside observer).

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The other day I was in a kind of grumpy place, I have been a few days this week, actually, and I’m not completely sure why. Though when I get grumpy, I often get needy. Not that regular kind of emotionally needy, or just regularly physically needy, but a deep desire to be dominated like I’ve written about before. I’m not always sure what triggers this. Sometimes it’s a bad day, sometimes it’s just lack of getting it, a lapse in regular play, and sometimes my paranoid and overanalyzing nature gets the better of my mood.

I hadn’t been tied up for quite some time. I was working on my computer, lying naked on my stomach on the bed with my laptop in front of me, and Master came in to straddle me from behind, he ground his cock into me and we exchanged a few teasing words.

Though I was wearing a robe, and he had on his pants, I could feel the semi-hardness of him grinding against my ass. I asked him if he was going to fuck me, and he told me that he was going to tease me for a while first. I asked him if he would tie me up when he did it.

Later he came back into the room, this time I was naked as it had been hot and the fan I had going wasn’t quite enough to cool me down. He started playing with me teasingly, straddled me again and grabbed at my wrists, holding them behind my back so that he could wind the bondage tape around them.

From there I was helpless. I fake-struggled for a bit, testing my bonds, as he slid his fingers into me, testing me, preparing me for him. He fucked me, while slapping my ass, grabbing my hair, using my bound wrists to pull me back onto him, doing all the little things which drive me wild.

The entirety and details of the experience are more of a blur than anything. Being bound and fucked is something which will put me in an almost immediate state of submission, taking me down into my fantasies.

I think it is the automatic feeling of helplessness which does it, an automatic overpowering that I can feel in every bit of me. The feeling can manifest through physical or mental bondage, and simply from hands pinning me down or grasping my wrists.

There is also something about it which makes me feel cherished and loved. I’m not quite sure what it is that gives me that sensation. It was the perfect cure for my grumpy feelings.

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Last night I was so close to cumming I just couldn’t. I was right on the edge, but something just didn’t click the way it should have, and I ended up frustrated, though less frustrated than I was a few months ago when the similar thing happened. Part of (or maybe the entirety of) the reason I was less frustrated was because of the difference in the relationship dynamics between Master and me. I was annoyed that I didn’t cum, and he said something along the lines of “be thankful you got that much” and it somehow put things in perspective.

Despite not cumming, it was still a wonderful and delicious fucking session. He hadn’t fucked me since Sunday and said I was spoiled by our vacation, during which we had sex nearly every night. He had me admit to how badly I wanted him to fuck me, and then he fucked me nice and hard, my legs on his shoulders, him pinning me down as he rammed into me. It was good, and perfect, and one of my favorite positions.

There was thunder and lightening outside, and after he came Master opened the blinds so we could see the streaks of light across the sky. Master and I both are big fans of thunder and lightening, and he began fingering me while I was laying with my head near the foot of the bed so that I could watch the sky light up. He had me rub my clit, and after I asked to cum he told me that I could after the next lightning strike.

I whimpered and moaned and tried to hold on as long as I could, but there was a definite gap, as lightning had just struck before I asked. I held on for so long that when he finally told me I could cum, I couldn’t. I was so close but I had trouble letting go, and I ended up not cumming at all. I was disappointed, frustrated, and so close to the edge that I felt like I was going to pop, but for some reason I just… couldn’t!

But, his words to put me back into my place, remind me that cumming is a privilege, not a right, and that really did the trick. I consider this a testament to the way our relationship has furthered, and him saying it as a testament to that as well. I didn’t feel any resentment or annoyance, I was just content with what he had said. All the discomfort and disappointment melted away into loving him.

That’s right, I thought, I should be lucky he gave me the pleasure that he did. Not because I don’t deserve it, but because I have chosen to give my body and my self over to him to do with as he pleases. If my cumming pleases him, then I should cum. If my hanging right on the edge so long that I am somehow unable to cum pleases him, then I shouldn’t cum. This is what I have been wanting for, to feel owned, to be cherished, and even to be denied if necessary.

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I posted this a few days ago in another journal, and decided it’s necessary to post it here along with what happened after I posted it…

From redtube, so, you know, not work safe, but neither is this blog, so you should know this already.

I posted it under the title “Gimme Some of This, Please?” I don’t remember why I found it, I think I was bored and looking around redtube for something yummy, and I found this (I think by searching “bdsm anal” or something similar). I love all the elements in it, the anal, the face slapping, the asphyxia, yes please.

After posting it, Master saw it. I was on my computer and he came over with a comment about the clip and started kissing me, he climbed on top of me and took my wrists down, pinning me down against the bed as he kissed me and moved his leg between mine. I struggled slightly, playfully, grinding myself up against him.

He put his hands around my throat, then he put his hands over my mouth, pinching my nose shut. He made me struggle for breath multiple times, and I got into a wonderful headspace, submissive, horny, delighted, in need. He undressed, tugged my skirt up, and started fucking me with my ankles on his shoulders, alternating between holding my legs or holding my arms down against the bed.

He slapped my face a few times, kissed me roughly, and pinned me down against the bed. After cumming inside me I continued to grind up against him, aching for him to start fucking me again, needing that feeling of filling, and after a while of this he started fucking me again. I turned over so he was fucking me from behind and his hand curled into my hair to pull it as he fucked me.

He came inside me again, and again I continued to grind, he asked me what else I wanted, what I really wanted, and I asked him to fuck my ass. After teasing me with the idea, he got my ass ready with his fingers before slipping inside, starting to fuck my ass hard and roughly as I moaned and squealed and begged for more.

He came inside me once more, this time in my ass, and after he did I came as well, my hand on my clit and his permission in my ears. I came two more times just rubbing myself while he watched me.

It was a good good night.

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He started new hours at his job this week, so there was very little fucking, as he would come home at 10pm and we would watch a couple episodes of Dexter and then crash (I was getting up at 6:30 and crazy hours like that, so we were both very tired). I’ve been aching for some fucking all week. I got Friday off to be with him (his new job gives him a three-day weekend, lucky bastard), and although that was kind of sucked up by a side project we ended up going to dinner and then to the liquor store and home.

We watched more Dexter (second season) and had some delicious drinks. At one point we started kissing, which led to fondling and grinding, which lead to him fucking me, first on the couch, then with me kneeling on the couch, then with me leaning over the arm of the couch (far superior). It was good. I wanted him to pull my hair, though, and he never did. It’s been getting longer and longer and he keeps neglecting it. *pout*

After that we… you got it… watched more Dexter, until about 4 in the morning at which time we headed downstairs, at my reluctance. I decided the only reason why I would be going downstairs when I wanted to watch more Dexter is so that he could fuck me. I told him this, and he said he assumed that might happen. He knows me too well.

He slid his fingers in me and began finger fucking me softly, then harder, moving his fingers to my clit, which usually gets me off quickly. I hadn’t cum upstairs, but he came twice, once in me and then once on my face and in my mouth. He rubbed my clit until I came and then moved above me and slid inside. He pounded my cunt nice and deep that way for a while, while doing various delicious things like putting his hands around my neck and taking my wrists in his hands and pinning me against the bed. He came like that, inside of me while pinning me down.

We rested for a few moments before starting to buck and grind against each other again. If we do this soon enough after he’s cum he can usually cum again, which is what happened upstairs as well. We fucked a little more, and I turned over so he was fucking me from behind, like a whore, and so he said. I always love being fucked from behind. He came again, the fourth time that night, and had to lie down he said the room was spinning. I’m just that good. ;P

We drifted to sleep, and before we did I asked him if he would wake me up with an assfucking in the morning. He told me he could do that.

I woke up first, and after going to the bathroom I lay back down and started stroking him. Once I got him hard he slid into me while we were both on our sides, fucked me like that a bit, then we shifted so he was fucking me like a whore again (by which I mean doggy-style of course). While doing that he started lubing my backdoor with his spit, sliding his finger in it, getting it nice and ready for his cock. Once it was sufficiently wet he slid me to the edge of the bed so he could stand while fucking my ass and slid inside. It went in easily the second time, after a little more spit and fingering was applied, and he began fucking my ass nice and hard and fast. I was in anal heaven.

We groaned and moaned dirty nothings to each other, calling me names and wonderful things like that. I can always tell when he’s about to cum, he makes slightly different noises, his thrusts get a little more frantic, and I always beg him to cum in me when he gets close, and usually he does nearly right after. I love the feeling of him just thrusting deep within me and being able to feel his cock twitching and spurting inside of me (yes, I’m on birth control, the ring, 99.9% effective and we’ve done all the other necessary precautions).

I continued to rub my clit after he came inside me and ended up cumming not too long after he had, with his cock still buried in my ass, I’m such a little ass whore. I love it. We collapsed on the bed, my finger still on my trigger, and we kissed and whispered “I love you” as I continued to rub. I came twice more (asking permission every time I had, of course), before stopping.

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We’ve been having sex more often, I’ve been initiating more often. I find I go through periods where I really want him to initiate sex, and then periods of not caring because I want it so badly I just don’t care.

We fucked on the main level of our home this past weekend. Our roommates went upstairs to have sex, and we just stayed there and fucked. He fucked me from behind as I was leaning over the side of the couch and it was wonderful.

Later, we went downstairs, we’ve been having wonderful quickies nearly every night, quick hard fucks that are simply delicious. That night he woke me up by sliding between my legs, one of his legs between mine, my hips just slightly raised in a mostly-sleeping state, and slid his cock inside of me, fucking me, again, quick and hard until he came.

He’s been fucking me and cumming in me, and I haven’t been cumming as often, but I have been cumming hard and frequently. I think when we’re having sex it makes me want more sex.

I remember reading somewhere that sperm can become an addiction, rather, the chemicals given by a lover’s sperm can reduce depression. I heard this as specifically when cum in the cunt, but I would think this would be true for any oral or anal cummage or probably bodily cummage as well. I’ve heard this as specifically the same as being with or simply talking with your lover, basically hearing their voice or being with them can become an addiction as well. Specifically with being with them and with getting their cum, it can be brought down to biological chemistry, our bodies get used to getting certain chemicals from the other person, and used to certain chemicals being produced by your own brain when with the person, so when you don’t have it, you basically go through withdrawals, which often looks like depression. I’m not sure if the cum bit works with women lovers too, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
</biology lesson>

The point of this? I think I’m addicted to my Owner’s cum. The more I have of it, the more I want it. The more he cums on or in me, the more I want that to continue happen and happen over and over again. I get irritable and moody when he’s not fucking me, and when it goes too long without us having much sex (which happens from time to time, and by too long I mean a week or so) I get to a point where I don’t want to initiate, I want him to initiate, and I want him (by initiating) to show his desire for me.

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Saturday and Sunday nights were yummy. I don’t remember all the details, or I would expound them in a much more articulate manner, however, I do remember on Saturday there was fucking–lots of fucking. Master came twice inside of me after not thinking that he could cum at all (we had some additives in our system that he thought would hinder him). He fucked my face some. I called out dirty things to him and moaned and begged for him to pound my cunt. We played around with some asphyxiation as well (I asked for it, yum, I love it), and he made me cum with his hand over my mouth and holding my nose closed. I’m sure I’m forgetting things, but it was all a blur of wonderful sensation.

Sunday was more regular, and though Master was sore I got him to fuck me anyway, just a quickie with him fucking me with my ankles on his shoulders. He was ready to call it a night after he came, but I asked if I could, he said something like “you don’t think you get to cum every night, do you?” I said “no, but I can at least ask.” And he was very generous and let me cum once, hard, for about a minute. It was delicious.

That’s my quickie.

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