RSSI dissected my submissive desires back in June with my Cuntpet Revisited post, and I’ve been exploring this Domina side of myself for quite some time, so I’ve come to some realizations. Nothing quite as profound or in-depth as the cuntpet analysis, but some interesting discoveries, nonetheless.
I’ve found that this journey of discovery has been difficult because I don’t feel like it’s something I can easily share with Master. I don’t have any desire to dominate him, and even if I did I doubt he would have any desire for me to dominate him. But, because of this, our relationship has suffered a little bit. We’ve talked about it, which has helped, but I know he still feels like it’s something that’s pulling us apart rather than bringing us together, and he’s right, but at this point there’s little I can do to change that.
That said, primarily this journey of mine has been internal, and a small amount has been online, on irc.bondage.com, a server I have frequented for many years. I have enjoyed the last few weeks, and my new Domina personae, although I want more. While I do believe that online is a fantastic place to explore new desires and fantasies, this needs to move beyond it. However, I would have to find a sub nearby to play with, and that could be tricky. I deeply enjoyed meeting new people at the play party last weekend, but entering in any relationship is going to be tricky. For now, my explorations will be primarily internal, and partially online.
Even though I have the desire to dominate someone, which is getting stronger all the time really, I’m extremely picky. This isn’t anything new, of course, it’s something I’ve known for quite some time, but it’s something that I am often amazed at. Even at my most horny, most desirous, most dominant states I am still picky as hell. It’s annoying, sometimes, because there are times when I just want to say “fuck it” and pick up the first sub I interact with and play, but I won’t allow myself to do that. I prefer to be picky, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t.
I am an extremely mental dominant. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to play with these desires (see above, re: picky), but I can’t imagine playing with anyone without knowing all the intricate details about their desires. Without knowing those it would be difficult for me to weave them around my little finger. While purely physical domination has it’s perks and appeals, there is something delicious about being able to implant yourself deeply into someone else’s mind.
Perhaps it steams from my knowledge and love of psychology, or perhaps my love of psychology stems from my mental domination desires. I’m not sure, really, it’s like the chicken or egg question. I do know, however, that my knowledge of psychology will come in handy for all future mental endeavors. I love the idea of delving into the mind of another and planting all sorts of fun ideas for use later. Playing and toying with someone until all they can think about is me… that brings me to my next point.
I’ve talked many times about my own control freak nature, and I believe this is deeply rooted within my mental domination. I highly enjoy control, both having none and having all, and it’s difficult for me to have anything else. I love total power exchange, regardless of the side I’m on. I am a control addict as well as a control freak, though maybe in some ways they are the same thing.
I am also a rather sadistic dominant. This, too, is not a surprise, really. I’ve had sadistic impulses for a long time, although I haven’t always embraced the term. I’ve always loved biting others for the reaction it gets, I’ve loved spanking and hair pulling, and all sorts of other pain-inflicting things. I curbed these desires, or attempted to, while I was trying to be a “good sub” (whatever that means). I found them coming out in little ways, biting Master being the majority of them.
Within the online realm, I can’t stand when people have “Master” “Mistress” “Lord” etc. as part of their usernames/handles. “Miss” is a little mixed for me, but that’s pretty much the only one. Why do some dominants feel the need to add a title to thier nick? I don’t really understand it. I’ve thought of using the nick MissScarlet, but only for humor purposes (makes me think of Clue, of course). Perhaps this is a little point, and I’m sure it ties in with my ideas of honorifics in general, but it’s rather annoying. It just screams that someone isn’t secure in their role, so they have to shout it to the world instead of exuding it from themselves.
I also can’t stand a large amount of submissives. I knew this already, but now I can’t stand them from a different perspective. I hate what I call “yes subs” by which I mean, submissives who can’t give a straight answer, who answer “whatever Lady wants” or “whatever pleases You” when you ask them a direct question. I understand the reason for it, to an extent, but when I ask a sub what they enjoy, I don’t want to hear “whatever You would like to do to me, Miss” or something like that. The reason for it is to help reinforce submission. I believe it can be a useful tool in training, but not when you first meet someone. It’s ridiculous to tell someone that you don’t know very well “I like what you like” because, well, you don’t know what they like!
I also can’t stand being called Ma’am, but, that’s another issue all together.
I want a real human being. I don’t want a doormat, and I don’t want a “yes sub,” and I don’t want someone who won’t state their own opinions and their own desires. I want someone… well, like me, isn’t it?
Ellie
25 July 2008 @ 7:05 am
This post really spoke to me because it echoes my feelings. Have you considered seeking out other switches? For me, that is the most natural starting point.
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scarlet lotus sexgeek
25 July 2008 @ 11:02 am
@Ellie: I’ve thought about other switches, and on one level it makes a lot of sense, but on another I’m not sure. It would depend on the type of switch. Something I’m working on writing about is my switchy identity, which goes partially with the control freak bit above, but is not a direct correlation. I don’t want to switch with one person, I would want either control or lack of control and not to have that change. So, another switch would be wonderful for the like-mindedness and all that, but I wouldn’t want to switch with them, which could be a problem depending on who I found.
Then again, it depends on your definition of switching. Is going from a brat (my cunt personae) to a good girl (the service or fucktoy aspect) switching? In some ways it is, and I would want that… so… well, I’ll stop there and work more on the post about it! I think you’ll get my conflict.
In short: I’m definitely not against seeking out other switches, but it would depend on the switch (but, then, doesn’t it always?).
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PantheraPardus
26 July 2008 @ 8:53 am
There’s nothing wrong at all with being picky. Picky is good!
I can see your point about not wanting to keep trading roles with the same person; personally, I don’t have a problem with doing that. The difference might be that I tend to think more about playtime top/bottom and you may be exploring more dominant/submissive. I can be submissive to someone for a while; a few hours or a few days (maybe). Soon enough, my non-submissive side will end up emerging…
Of course, I’m a pretty extreme newbie with almost no experience, so my opinions (uninformed as they are ;)) as they stand now may very well change with time.
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scarlet lotus sexgeek
26 July 2008 @ 4:28 pm
@PantheraPardus I agree that picky is good, but it can be frustrating! That’s the only downside to it. When I have that driving desire to dominate someone, but I don’t have anyone around to do that to! But, that will change, I hope… eventually.
I agree, I’m definitely exploring on a more D/s level than t/b. Of course, I find nothing wrong with any level, as everyone should do what they choose. Personally, as I mentioned in the post, I’m a control freak. I’d almost even go so far as to say I explore on a more M/s (or O/cp as I call it for me, or perhaps just O/s for general… doesn’t matter that much) level, but it’s difficult to be in two O/s relationships as two different roles… it will be interesting to see how things work!
The thing is, I’m right there with you, I have the itch for whatever other role that I’m not participating in if I don’t have a taste of it for long. I’ve talked with Master about logistics, and we will just have to figure that out when it comes, as it would largely depend on the submissive I find and what s/he desired. This is where being poly comes in handy, though, for me (not sure if you are or not, just saying for me) since I don’t want to switch with one person (though I won’t rule that out, as I would never say never and all that), it makes it easier to explore both.
And, that is a great opportunity to have, that your opinions may change in time. Really, that doesn’t depend on being a newbie or not, it’s just part of being human. I’ve been exploring BDSM for over ten years, but I’ve only recently embraced the Domina side of my personae. Why? I’m not sure. Though now that I’m embracing it it’s pretty damn obvious that it’s been there all along, bubbling under the surface. So, yes, feel free and please do change opinions! Or stick with ones that feel right and don’t change them if not needed, but, always keep in mind that you can change them. I wish I had kept that in mind over the last ten years! I try to now, of course.
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PantheraPardus
26 July 2008 @ 10:47 pm
*nod* With an O/s relationship, that’s a much deeper kind of arrangement. I can see how it would be tough to be on both sides of the equation, even with two different people. As for being poly, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I am, as long as everyone in the situation is being honest, courteous, and safe. It does open up some fun opportunities for exploration. ;)
I have always been one to look on both sides (no matter what the context: sex, politics, religion, anything) to see which grass is greener. I usually end up sitting right on the fence because both sides look so good. *grin* It’s not a bad headspace to be in when you’re exploring, because I’m open to many things. It can be annoying, though, because so many things about me are mood-dependent.
Enjoy that new persona bubbling up! I can’t wait to see how the Domina-you progresses. :)
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scarlet lotus sexgeek
29 July 2008 @ 4:45 pm
@PantheraPardus: Sorry for taking a bit long to reply to this. I know exactly what you mean about fence-sitting, Master insists that it’s impossible for me to decide on JUST one thing. I say that having to pick just one thing is silly, as I want to try everything! I think poly, too, is a natural extension of that. Why settle for just one person, when you can have many? Ahh, satisfies my desire to not have to pick just one!
And thanks! I can’t wait to discover more of her as well (she’s pretty hot, if I do say so myself). ;D
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